Mercury, the Jan Brady of the Ford Automotive family, was euthanized last Wednesday after Ford decided to pull the plug. Mercury was 72 years old.

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Edsel Ford begat Mercury in 1938. Alcohol was reported to have been involved. Edsel named Mercury after the Roman god known for delivering flowers on Valentine’s day, and not the toxic element found in low energy fluorescent lamps and in kids’ fish sticks.

In 1945, Mercury combined with his bigger, better looking, more luxurious brother Lincoln to form Lincoln-Mercury. They were joined by their sibling Edsel a few years later in 1958. Tragically, the public declared Edsel to be ugly and after a couple of years, was never heard of again. The Lincoln-Mercury relation has existed ever since.

During the 1970s disco era, Mercury, known for his astrological sign of the cat, was linked to the fabulous Farrah Fawcett, as these self-made videos show.

[Disclosure: Back in the 1970s, the author had a Farrah poster, but not the real one. He couldn’t afford to buy one, so he had the two-color newspaper cutout from the Detroit News. Yes, this is a disclosure of how sad his life was.]

Internet rumor has it that if Mercury was still selling the Cougar today, he would have Demi Moore as the Cougar girl.

“Well my baby went out
She didn’t stay long
Bought herself a Mercury, come a cruisin’ home
She’s crazy…”
–K. C. Douglas

“… about a Mercury”
–K. C. Douglas

In the 1980s, Mercury tried to Europeanize itself by importing Merkur (“mare-koor”), the German translation for Mercury. While technically an independent brand, Merkur was offered exclusively to Lincoln-Mercury dealers. Lasting a little longer Edsel, it eventually took its “uniquely” styled cars back to Europe. The only lasting impression the author had about these vehicles was when someone called a Merkur XR4ti an “Exarrati,” which would have been the coolest sounding name for a vehicle in the 1980s.

Before its demise, Mercury still sold four vehicles: two SUVs, a car called the Mercury M…. something… (pretty sure it starts with the letter “M”), and the Septuagenarian Saturday Special. It’s possible that the last name not be the correct name for the vehicle.

Mercury is survived by his brother Lincoln, and his father Ford. Services are expected later this year.

[Disclosure #2: The author used to drive a used 1975 Mercury Monarch Ghia. Doctors believe that, eventually, the author’s on-going therapy will allow him to live a (more) normal automotive life.]