[see updates below]

Two months, two weeks, four days, one hour and fourteen minutes and lots and lots of dollars later, I finally got my car back. This included getting the car a new engine (short block), returning it for a check engine light (P0024 Exhaust AVCS System 2 Range/Performance), then promptly bricking the ECM when I got it home again (note to self: next time, brick ECM when car is in garage), and then finally getting the ECM quickly reset (thanks Cobb Tuning!).