Ahh… Christmas. That special time of year. There’s a certain something in the air that makes me just a bit… crankier. Is it all the preparation? The stress looking for presents? The unrealistic expectations of holiday cheer? Nope, it’s all those @#$%^&* shoppers out on the road.

I don’t know where they all come from. I work near a shopping mall, and it’s crowded around there all the time now. It seems like a perpetual rush hour. It’s as if you’ve turned on the light in a scary kitchen in an old creepy house, and seen thousands of cockroaches running around the floor in every direction. And you just want to stomp on each and every one of them.

And this is the valet parking lot. And yes, that is the Mach 5 on top.
A typical parking deck around Christmas time

I don’t have agoraphobia, a fear of crowded places. I just don’t like all those cars around me, impeding me. If I had to describe it, I think I have EManesiratus, which is Latin for “get the @#$% out of my way.”

Most of these drivers seem to be driving distracted. They’re looking for stores or yelling at their kids in the back or talking on the phone. There’s a lot of randomness to their driving. Some are worse than Sunday drivers. They’re more like once-every-season drivers, and the name of each of those seasons is Drive Slowly in Front of EMan season.

Why have these people not heard of Amazon?!

I think this is where technology will be key. I’m not just talking about Google’s self-driving car. I’m talking about when we all become Googladroids or Facebooklings or Amazonians or iWannaBes, and after years of collecting our intimate, personal data, these companies will tell us and our friends what we need to buy for Christmas without going to the stores, leaving roads and mall parking lots empty, and having presents delivered right to our doors as if transported by an overweight, cherry-nosed, pipe-smoking elf.

Here’s to dreaming of a UPS/Fed-Ex Christmas.

Inhale deeply. Exhale slowly. @#$%*! smile.
Have a Happy Holiday and a “Good Slide” into the New Year

“Christmas is a necessity.There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here for something else besides ourselves.”
–Eric Sevareid

“Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.”
–Author Unknown

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”
–Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping