DETROIT — GM posted a profit of $865 million in the first quarter, its first quarterly profits since 2007, and then promptly lost the money gambling at the Motor City casino near downtown Detroit.

Still in a stupor from the previous night’s partying, GM said it was unsure how it lost it all so fast.

“I came home yesterday with the check and then called my buddies. We decided to go to the casino to celebrate. The last thing I remember was ordering the first round before heading out to the tables in the casino,” said GM groggily, staring into his coffee mug.

Witnesses saw GM drinking bourbon and shooting dice at the craps table most of the night.

“At first he was up a little,” said Fred, one of his buddies. “But then his luck turned and he ended up losing it all. At some point, he started borrowing money from everyone.”

“I just needed a bit of luck… I know I could have won it all back…” GM’s voice trails off as he looks blankly out the kitchen window.

“You should have been more like your brother Gordon! Gordy would have never lost so much money. He’s a banker!” shot GM’s mother. “I knew something like this would happen to you!”

Sources say that besides his buddies, GM still owes money around town, including to his brother Gordy.

“What am I going to do?” muttered GM. “Well, at least I still have my Trans Am.”

Gazing through the window at the empty driveway, GM suddenly cried out, “My car! What happened to my Pontiac!”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
–Woody Allen