I’ve lost all track of time. My children have turned feral after hours of unsupervised screen time. I’ve been banished to the basement while working from home. And we’ve been so desperate for streaming content we’ve even subscribed to Apple TV+.1 But none of that really bothers me.

What I really miss is driving.

Crusin’ and playin’ the radio
with no particular place to go
—Chuck Berry

I want to do my part to flatten the curve against COVID-19 (coronavirus disease 2019). That means staying at home and definitely not driving.

Still, I’m tempted to just get in the car and drive around without interacting with anyone. While that’s relatively safe, it sends the wrong message. I want to respect the dangerous work that our frontline health care workers are undertaking during this time, so no joyriding.

Stay away from my car @Target
This is the kind of social distancing I definitely always support

But… this is not the zombie apocalypse that we’ve been promised. That’s probably a good thing since my cardio has been shot since we’ve had to stay home. There’s no way I can outrun fast-moving zombies right now.

In most post-apocalyptic dystopian societies I know, people hoard essential things, like oil, water, or sexbots.

We’re hoarding toilet paper.2

Meanwhile, the French are hoarding red wine and condoms.

Who’s gonna drive you home,
—The Cars

It’s common knowledge that to scavenge for fuel across the desert, you need a Ford Falcon XB with a supercharged V8. Also, you can’t make it through the “Zone” without a 1965 Ford Mustang. And you should have a Landmaster if you plan on crossing Damnation Alley, or at the very least, a Sherp.

But for hauling toilet paper, all you need is a family minivan. Maybe that is dystopian after all.

1973 Ford Falcon XB GT Coupe
Just your run-of-the-mill 1973 Ford Falcon XB GT “V8 Interceptor” Pursuit Special

Besides a good vehicle, you will also need some personal protective equipment (PPE) to survive Armageddon. Maybe it doesn’t have to protect against extraterrestrial microbes, but it should at least minimize exposure to most earth-bound pathogens.

Not N95
This mask is probably not N95 rated.
(source: Mad Max: Fury Road)

Not N95
Immortan Joe only uses masks rated N99 or higher. Be more like Joe.
(source: Mad Max: Fury Road)

If you have access to a 3D printer, it’s even possible to make N95-capable masks or face shields for yourself and/or to donate.3

There are obviously some things we can do to help during these times. Staying home is one of them. The needs of the many, and all that.

So for now the Golf key fob lays unused in its Faraday bag waiting for the day when I realize that I have to recharge the battery before I can drive it. Just don’t remind me how low gas prices are right now.

She drives me crazy
And I can’t help myself
—Fine Young Cannibals

Crankiness Rating:

Lowest gas prices in about 20 years, and not a drop to waste. I need more cars with empty gas tanks to hoard cheap premium fuel.