AUBURN HILLS — At a late holiday fancy pants party at Fiat’s home, it was announced that Fiat was taking Chrysler in. After some time in a government orphanage and debtor’s prison, Chrysler has finally found a home.

“Blimey! I’m so chuffed ter live in a noice ‘ome with a warm fire, guv’nor. Lots of coal makin’ lots of heat. Isn’t it loverly?”

“No mawer makin’ ‘andkerchiefs fer me, innit.”

Although Chrysler grew up in Michigan, he inexplicably speaks Cockney.

When asked about his friends he might have to leave behind, Chrysler replied, “Lor’ luv a duck! I won’t miss Sikes, but da Artful Dodge and Pip’ll probably visi’ me a lot. Nuff said, yeah?”

“I’m still friends’ll Tiny Tim, ‘elpin’ ‘im sell pencils at da corner. I’m sure we’ll still get together fer Christmas wiv ‘is uncle Ebenezer and aun’ Eliza. Know what I mean?”

Nobody actually knew what he meant, but the assembled press corps nodded politely.

“Awright geeezzaa! That’s Uriah Heep on da radio! Know what I mean?”

When asked for a quote, Fiat said, “The unified ownership structure will now allow us to fully execute our vision of creating a global automaker that is truly unique in terms of mix of experience, perspective and know-how, a solid and open organization that will ensure all employees a challenging and rewarding environment.”

Nobody knew what that meant either, so everyone politely nodded some more.

We then headed over to the dessert table where the caterers were preparing trays of mustacciuoli, panettoni, tiramisu, and other dishes. Chrysler had beaten us there, already finishing off a plate of cannolis. He was headed back for seconds, but the press had surrounded the dessert table like a pack of wolves.

Undeterred, Chrysler pressed on trying to get some cannolis. Chrysler was last heard asking the head caterer, “Please, sir, I wan’ some more.”

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way—in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”
—Charles Dickens

Crankiness Rating: 1 out 11 (mmm… lots of chocolates for me to eat…)