Cranky Driver

Trying to Make the Driving World a Little Less Annoying

Tag: EMan’s News

Fiat To Take Over Chrysler for $4.35 Billion

AUBURN HILLS — At a late holiday fancy pants party at Fiat’s home, it was announced that Fiat was taking Chrysler in. After some time in a government orphanage and debtor’s prison, Chrysler has finally found a home.

“Blimey! I’m so chuffed ter live in a noice ‘ome with a warm fire, guv’nor. Lots of coal makin’ lots of heat. Isn’t it loverly?”

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GM Has a New Sheriff in Town

General Motors (GM) announced that effective January 2014, Mary Barra will be replacing Dan Akerson as Chief Executive Officer (CEO) of General Motors. Mr. Akerson is stepping down for personal reasons.

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GM Posts First Profits in 3 Years

DETROIT — GM posted a profit of $865 million in the first quarter, its first quarterly profits since 2007, and then promptly lost the money gambling at the Motor City casino near downtown Detroit.

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Exxon Reports Highest US Corporate Profits

IRVING — ExxonMobil, the Irving, Texas-based company, posted the largest corporate profits in U.S. history. Its earnings of $39.5 billion for 2006 on revenues of $377.6 billion exceed the previous record of $36.13 billion in 2005, also posted by ExxonMobil.

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Ford Loses $12.6 Billion in 2006

“If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability.”
—Henry Ford

DEARBORN — Ford announced recently that it had losses of $12.7 billion for 2006, its largest loss in history (although still far below GM’s 1992 losses of $23.5 billion).

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Detroit Auto Show Attendance Down Again

“The average human has about one breast and one testicle.”
–From Statistics 101

(If you’re one of my anal-retentive engineer friends, please don’t e-mail me about that last quote. I know that men technically have breasts as well, even if they’re not the pert, firm type—unless we’re talking about Ricardo Montalbán’s. The statement is meant to be humorous—you know, like a joke.)

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